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Lost Direction
Steve G
September 9th, 2.001K
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Lost Direction
Steve G
September 9th, 2.001K
I wanted to wake up with a man in my arms. Just once.
A man of warmth. A man physically similar to myself. A tall man, a longhaired man. A man of honor... A knight in armour.
Does such a creature exist in Gaydom?
Was this just way too much to dream for in a world lost within itself?
Are my desires beyond reason?
Apparently so, as I have blindly reached out for such a man for five long years.
Five long years with each new day beginning from an empty bed.
Five empty years with each night ending with a handful of cold pillows.
At times the pain becomes unbearable as I kiss my pillows throughout the long reaches of night.
It takes all of my energy just to manage to survive each day.
I am not the only one in this world facing such a struggle, but it is my own ordeal that drains my will.
Why?
I ask myself if I am unworthy.
I ask myself if I have wronged others in life.
Have I selfishly taken too much for myself?
Silent soul searching.
The silence can be deafening, but I live in a vacuum, so it seems.
I cannot judge if I am worthy, only others may decide that.
I can say that I feel that I am there to encourage others as best as I am able.
I can further say that I have never taken anything at the expense of anyone else.
My own opinion does not have me as a bad person.
Why then have I never had a chance to discover love in the arms of a man of my dreams?
If I am not meant to find such a man, why do I ache so from emptiness?
Could God really be that cruel?
Or is it I who just does not understand the ways of life?
Or perhaps I've missed a sign post along the way?
Somewhere there is an answer to my quandry, somewhere there is an answer to my dreams.
What does it take to discover it?
Perhaps my life is not meant to have a knight in armour, perhaps I'm only meant to live in a night full of black.