But I went ahead and posted this section anyway, for even if it scares away those that I have an interest in, it may well help someone else to better understand themselves, and to feel less alone in this world. If my experiences and feelings help anyone else achieve their goals, then it is all worth while.

ADVENTURE IN LA : What can you do in 48 hours? Gone is my favorite red-eye flight that went through Dallas back to Tampa leaving at 1:45 AM Monday, so now I have only about 48 hours in LA away from the airport.

So what can you do in 48 hours in LA? I'm sure my definition is different than what most would chose, but it works for me. Checking into the hotel a bit before 10 PM, I can rest and hit the shower to wash the travel off and wake up a bit.

My friend Jess calls from down stairs so I throw on some clothes and rush out the door. It's a bit later than planned, but I want to see what's happening at RoosterFish in Venice en route to WeHO.

At RoosterFish there are a few guys with longer than 'gay standard' hair. A round of drinks to take in the ambiance and the eye candy. The ambiance of RoosterFish as a bar is nothing much to look at, in fact it's kind of a dump. But take a dump and pack it full of guys and then it becomes fun. ;-)

When I go to a bar other than Metropolis here in Tampa, I tend to go all the way to the back and hang out looking towards the front. That way you can see most of who is in the bar on the way in. One of the guys I noted ended up in the back next to us talking to a couple friends. I had a view of his backside, and it was a very nice view too.

One of my own weak points in meeting guys is that I probably am not aggressive enough. I scan the room, and if there is someone I like I keep their position in my scans, giving them an extra second or so in each scan, hopefully without staring and especially without drooling. lol

If I see the object of my desire noticing me, then I'll start to map out a plan of attack. If he makes eye contact, then I feel more comfortable initiating contact. On the other hand, if he's busy with friends, I usually don't want to interrupt. There are definite downsides to being shy, polite and a true gentleman.

Jess and I finished our drinks, and since cutie seemed occupied and last call was rapidly approaching, I decided that we would go to WeHO and see what was happening there.

While en route to WeHO, I called another friend who never goes out in hopes of convincing him to join us.

It amazes me the number of people I have encountered who live in the LA area who never go out. Some claim to not feel comfortable in WeHO, or say there are no longhaired guys there. Personally I love WeHO as there is a lot of energy and there are many guys I consider to be cute. So I love getting locals who are skeptics about the local crowd out to see why I enjoy myself so much there.

I generally don't go to the fancy-smancy places that have such a high opinion of their establishments that they charge a cover charge. If it's free, it's for me, is what I say. I'm not out to impress anyone, I'm not out planning on getting laid or out with any agenda whatsoever other than to have a good time and a good time is something that you can have almost anytime you choose and it doesn't have to be about how much money you spend.

I usually start out at Mother Lode and make my way towards Trunks which are basically at opposite ends of the strip on Santa Monica Boulevard. In between the two are a couple of clubs with a cover, Rage and Mickey's, and a new place that replaced Revolver which had closed just prior to my last visit there last September.

Another thing I like to do is to have 'a bartender' at places I frequent. Since it had been a long while since I was last in LA, I was not sure I would have any familiar bartenders. One of my favorites was Joey at Trunks who always seemed to be so friendly and he was a really cute guy, although his hair was barely past gay standard, there was just something about his smile and demeanor that I really liked. Unfortunately he was not at Trunks either night this trip.

The longest hair of any of the bartenders was a guy named Jeffery at Revolver, but since that was closed I had not seen him since. There seemed to be greater turn-over at Mother Lode and every time I got used to one guy, he was never there the next time. But I did find a favorite there, of course he is so totally not 'my type' in that he shaves his head. Now just because someone is not my type does not mean I cannot see what others would see in him and he is a good looking guy and seems quite nice.

Jess and I got lucky and found a parking space fairly quickly and made our way to Mother Lode. The bar was very busy and Jess and I pushed our way in, making our way to the back, and then upstairs to the bar on the upper level to order drinks. We passed by several guys I thought were cute on the way in, so I had several to keep my track of.

My other friend is a bit shy, so I am not going to give him and name, but instead just refer to him as 'my other friend'. Since he does not have a cell phone, I had told my other friend that we would start at Mother Lode and work our way to Trunks. Jess and I hung at Mother Lode for a while until it was getting a bit close to last call and I wanted to see if Joey was still at Trunks.

We made our way through the circus on the sidewalks and there were several cuties along the way too. My other friend was still not to be found, so I decided we would take a quick walk through the place that is now where Revolver used to be. I honestly do not remember the name, but think it was something like "East West".

It was nice inside, and a totally different concept than anything else in WeHO. Plush love seats and sofas all around. It appeared they had cocktail service and even one cute guy with longish hair that worked there in some capacity. We didn't stay for a drink as I wanted to get to Trunks in case my other friend was there waiting. Other than sometimes being fashionably late, I pride myself in being very dependable.

When we got to Trunks, I saw that Joey was not there which was disappointing as I was curious if he would remember me. I'm not really sure if he is just very friendly, or if he found me interesting. It is my understanding he had a BF, but I enjoyed his pleasant personality, warm smile, an occasional kiss and tasty drinks.

There were a couple of guys together with semi-longhair sitting in the corner booth. Jess and I got our drinks and when Jess went out for a smoke I wandered out too and spotted my other friend coming towards us.

We all went in and Jess and I had another round and we ended up sitting at the corner booth with the two other longhaired guys. I really could not have planned this much better if I had tried, as it gave my friends a chance to see that WeHO is not such a bad place and that there are cute guys with longhair to be discovered there.

Soon those annoying white lights were coming on and the patrons were scrambling. We made our way back down Santa Monica Boulevard and took in the many other cuties who were on the streets.

It was already way past late for me, as I had been on the go since I got up for work back in Tampa that morning. I tried to convince my other friend that we all should go to Norm's just so he can see that after-hours queens really don't bite, but he said he was not hungry so we parted company at that point.

On the way back to Culver City, Jess and I stopped at Jack In The Box, for some gourmet grease.

After we ate, Jess took off for home and I was more than ready to get some sleep. The upside as that since I had no early plans, I could sleep in a bit, and there were several guys I saw out that I would not have minded sleeping in with.

It was such a welcome change from the Tampa bar scene where I rarely ever see anyone my type in the gay scene. I also feel welcome in the WeHO scene too, it's not the cold scowls that I have gotten here in Tampa because of my hair and unique style, in LA they seem to have an appreciation for individuality. It's not that there are not an equally large percentage of clone queens there as well, but there is a greater tolerance of those who do not fit the clone-queen mold.

As I fell asleep with two pillows in my arms, it was very comforting to have seen guys who were my type for a change as it can be very discouraging to feel the man of your dreams can never be more than a dream, and in LA, I can see guys I could dream of falling asleep with each night who are very real.

That wraps up my Friday night in LA. I'm like super-swamped with too much to be done at the moment. I need to download all the images from my trip. Almost all of them were on Venice Beach this time, and almost all of those have at least one longhair in them. It was a very productive trip photography-wise too.

SWEET LONGHAIRED DREAMS !

TEARS FOR ME : I was watching The Living Daylights and when the movie was over and Kara was so happy to see James had been there to see her show, I broke down in tears. Oh how I wish to be loved. I watched the movie by myself, as it began I wondered why I have never had anyone to cuddle with to watch a movie.

I have to ask WHY,,, WHY... WHY? I'm not ugly, as many of my friends point out I have so much to offer. I have considerable character, I have a great sense of humor, I have a spirit of adventure, I am capable of so many things, I am courteous, I am respectful and tolerant of others. Yet no matter what I offer, I have not had a real date since 1999. I have personal ads in almost all possible sources and NEVER get one serious reply, NEVER!

Am I so different than the other longhairs? Am I from another planet? What is it about me that no one even wants to get to know me? What is it about me that the majority of guys I message on gay.com do not even reply to me when they don't even know WHY I am messaging them? Is my luck really this bad?

There must be some reason, but what is it?

I am so tired of being alone. Almost everyone else can get laid every few days. The last time I got laid was almost 8 months ago now, and the time before that was almost 45 months now. I've never had sex with anyone enough times to ever feel comfortable having sex.

If anyone else has worse luck in meeting people than I seem to have, I really have never heard about it.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

DUMPED OR DUPED : Just when I thought I was going to have a real conversation with the first guy with any real interest I've had in a long, long time, I get this:

Ok i guess this is not going to be an easy one but i have had a long talk with he guy that i had an interest in and we have decide to go for it and see how this works out, while it is not so easy for me to type this i felt i owed you an answer......I think you are a nice guy and all but i have to do what my heart is saying to me for my happiness . I hold you as a friend close to my heart. I hope you understand. Stay sweet sexy thing

So, any of you who have been reading my journal here know I've had visions of mud in the water right from the beginning. First off he sounded a bit young as he told me he was 36, and he sounded as if he could be 16. But what can I say, I have had friends in their 30's that sound young, but perhaps not that young.

We also got off on the wrong foot as he told me he lived in Los Angeles and sometimes spent weekends in San Jose when in reality he lives in Trumansburg, New York. Now I gave him a bit of wiggle room here as many Gay men are so fearful of being found out that they lie to everyone. But he never acknowledged he had lied to me.

There were a whole host of other little clues I've picked up on along the way, but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt as coincidence can be a very dangerous jagged blade.

For example one name he used was "Pendargon" and I found a profile under that name that pointed to a guy living in Flint, Michigan, and this guy had six children and one of them had the unusual name that this guy was using. So there's a coincidence that would seem to damn the guy all but for one bit of information that not one bit of fact lead to Michigan.

The thing that really stinks about this whole situation is that homosexuals are the last legally discriminated against minority on the planet and as such there are considerable self esteem issues. Lies and deception often result from people with little to no self respect.

For the record I have no problem with the fact that I am Gay, I'd rather be straight as I would not being having to sort through the bottom of the barrel looking for buried treasure as there are many beautiful and sweet females out there looking for the same things I am in a man.

Now please understand by what I just said that I am not indicting all Gay men as being scum, that simply is not the case, but society, through its ignorance and intolerances has made it easy to accept being less of a person as we are told all of our lives that we are immoral and unworthy.

It may sound arrogant or pompous, but I have a lot to offer and I am a very good catch. Looks are subjective, but if we look at ability and character I know of no one any better than I am. If we consider what I could offer to someone I felt worthy, I know of few who could even begin to dream the things I almost take for granted in my life.

Now before you rush to judge me as arrogant, please know that I believe everyone, myself included, is capable of being better and I do all that I can to encourage everyone I encounter to be the best they can be.

So why am I still single? I fear that too many of these guys look at me and can't get past their own lack of self respect. This is a shame, it really is. I have had guys who I have chatted with tell me that no one could meet my standards, I wonder how they come to that conclusion? I have questioned some on this and thought I made it clear that I do not expect perfection from anyone, but I do expect people to try and to seek enlightenment. This never really put the issue to rest as I fear they are afraid to look in their own mirror as it is them who cannot meet their own standards and that makes them feel bad for themselves, so they can't even begin to think of themselves on my level. That's what I would call self-defeating as if you don't try, you never will succeed.

I readily see people's faults, but I also see their hidden abilities. I wish they would see what I see in life and that is possibilities for a better life. As individuals we have our problems and as a nation we have some major ones looming and likewise as a world we have some tough days ahead. But we can never succeed if we defeat ourselves without even trying.

Now I went off on a bit of a tangent here, as a lot of this does not directly apply to the fact that I have been duped, but it does show that I am an optimist who hopes we can achieve our best as if I were a cynic, I would have dumped this guy at the hint of the first lie or deception. Instead I gave him a chance to prove his merit. I also gave him every opportunity to make him feel the need to come clean. Even though he did not confess to a deception, his Dear John note lacked sincerity considering all of our dialog. If he was for real he would have called me as planned and told me he had desired to go in a different direction instead of taking the easy way out with an E-Mail.

Chances are he saw the writing on the wall, a longer conversation was going to lead to me asking the questions he did not want to face without the ability to weasel out. I've asked him many questions in E-Mail that he simply did not respond to. Being busy is a good excuse to get out of a longer E-Mail, but what excuse do you use on the phone? Of course a really good liar can dodge anything, and I've known some good ones. I actually enjoy some of them as they are not malicious in their lies, whereas there are some I do not want to have anything to do with. But even them I hope one day will get their shit together and be better people.

Am I hurt right now? No, not really as I saw this coming from the moment it started when he seemed just a bit too perfect. I am disappointed though. I don't like to assume that I deserve what I am seeking in a lover, but I will say that I do deserve better than the cards I have been dealt.

So what will I write this guy back? As far as I can see I have no choice other than to thank him for his time and to wish him the very best of luck. Bitterness only begets bitterness and while kindness may yield the same, it may someday turn to kindness.

Hummmm, well I'm not sure what to say. I wish you would have called me to tell me this, but so be it.

All I can say is that I truly wish you the very best in life. I hope you find true happiness. If you believe in yourself, strive to be your best at all times and treat others with the same level of respect as you would like to be treated with yourself then you just may find that precious gold ring. I sincerely hope you do all of the above.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

WHO REALLY KNOWS : Just because I see the negatives does not mean that I also do not see the positives of someone too. Of course none of us are perfect, never have been, never will be. I can't ignore the negatives as some of them have burnt me in the past. I just hope there are more positives to offset them. I also never assume that someone is stuck with any particular negative for life, we all can evolve and I do give people chances to do so.

I just felt it was important I clarify that as I am not trying to find excuses to discount someone, but I am going to be aware of what ramifications certain behaviors or traits are likely to bring with them. My best friend has some annoying traits, maybe that's why I love him. LOL

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

FEAST OR FAMINE : My love life, it's either feast or famine. Actually it's either famine or famine's mirage which looks like opportunity. The movie How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days has nothing on me, as you have to be able to date a man before you can lose him and I never get to that stage before they disappear or flake out on me.

Today is HUMP DAY, and a few Wednesdays back I started posting a fuck picture in honor of the day. I see a cute guy with a sexy butt and I wonder what it would be like to fuck him. I have never fucked anyone in any sense of the word, good or bad. There are not many guys who can say that. I'm proud of part of it and torn apart for the other part.

I finally managed to cum last night before sleep. It had been about a week and I was looking forward to a nice healthy few spurts, but of course all I got was kind of an ooze after working at it for over an hour. I wish I had just gone to sleep instead. In fact that last sentence pretty much describes all but four or five of my whole thirty one sexual experiences in my lifetime. In fact most of them don't really qualify as sexual or even particularly intimate.

I've pretty much decided that I've never been with anyone that actually truly WANTED to be with me, I was just convenient for them or they were using me for whatever reason. It's pretty much to the point that I don't care anymore. I am lonely and that is all I will ever be. I a too complex for anyone to understand without making an effort and no one has any desire to make such an effort. It is far easier to be intimidated by me of to just dismiss me as if there is something wrong with me.

It's really immaterial now, as I cannot change them, and I would not even if I could. Everyone is free to make their own decisions in life, and that right extends to not liking me or even hating me. The thing that separates me from them in most cases is that I respect their right to hate me even for invalid or inaccurate reasons.

All that I may do is to share my opinions and answer any questions asked of me. If anyone believes as I do fine, if they think I'm a fool, fine too.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

JUST NO INSPIRATION : I woke up earlier with this raging hard-on. I mean it was super HARD. Harder and firmer than I've had in a long time. Of course since I was conscious now, reality began to take over from whatever it was I was dreaming to have aroused me so.

I just have absolutely no way to even imagine that I would ever have need for my dick... In my life, other than aiming for the piss bucket, what good is it?

Although I've thought of jacking off many times in the past week, it has never happened in many days.

At the moment I've got a headache and feel crappy. I think about how nice it would feel to let got a nice load of cum. I can't even begin to imagine fucking, as I've never been able to do it. I can't imagine someone sucking me off to the point of my release as that's has only happened once. Twice I have been jerked off to the point of shooting a load, but those were years ago. I can't imagine someone tweaking my nipples while I stroke myself off, as I have repeatedly asked guys to take care of my nips and they stop after five seconds.

So now it is only fitting that I can not longer even become aroused to be able to cum except every once in a while.

I've done so much in my life, the only thing I had left that I specifically dreamed of was having a lover. Now after looking and looking since the end of 1996 I can only conclude that I am undesirable to those I find attractive.

I'm tired of being lied to and treated like shit by people with no abilities and no moral values. If it weren't for my Father I'd just assume go to sleep and never wake up.

I sure wish I could have some fantasy long enough to shoot a load, it's difficult when they look beautiful on the outside and then you start thinking about how they more than likely look pathetically ugly on the inside.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

PRETTY MUCH DISGUSTED : One way of looking at it you could say I have four potential boi friends, but I just feel like I have the typical potential of ZERO right now.

One guy repeatedly tells me things and never does them.

One guy is probably a drunk and a major stoner.

One guy may just be looking for a free ride.

One guy is really sweet, but he has not been seen since our first and only chat.

They are all very sexy and attractive in their own way... but what good is that if compatibility is missing and there is no mutual interest or you can't believe a word you are told.

I so wish I had never decided to discover my sexuality. I will not tolerate falling into the same trap over and over again. They do not need me, and I do not need them. I may be alone, but my self respect is intact. Let them come to me and behave civilized or leave me alone. I am not going to humiliate myself further by lowering my standards to the point I wonder what is wrong with me for allowing them to lie to me repeatedly.

Of course I am more forgiving than what I just said as I am stupid enough to believe that everyone can evolve to be a better person.

I just wish I could cum... it's been days now since I've been able to be aroused enough to even start to jerk off.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

I LAUGHED, I CRIED, I CRIED SOME MORE : One thing is for certain, and that is that nothing is for certain. This past week has more than proven that. I think that most of us who have met people online have been the victim of some sort of deception, whether innocent or deliberate, accidental, or intentional, there can be all sorts of ways that we are mislead by someone or even ourselves.

For a while now I have been getting to know someone and to be honest I have been scared to death. I've been scared about things going wrong, and I've been scared of things going right.

Only a fool pushes blindly forward, but only a fool can shoot themselves in the foot. But more on this after a moment for a movie review.

Tonight I watched How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days. The movie started out showing an attractive girl who had just lost a boy friend she had for less than two weeks. It was uncanny the faux pas that discussed in dating. I had earlier been chatting with my friend Cassandra and I saw so many things that she has done, so many things that I have done that can scare a guy off.

No matter how you go about bonding, there's always a certain part of it that is a game. No matter how you hates games, there is always the shadow of a game somewhere in the vicinity. We see what we want to see. We see what we fear to see. We do what we want to do. We do what we feel will make a good impression.

We look at ourselves through an imaginary pair of eyes that no one has to try to judge what is happening, what could happen and what we should do next. It is bad enough when the object of our desires is nearby, it's far worse when they are a distance away.

Cassandra and I are in a similar boat as the guys we are interested in are both far away. Cass has met her guy, whereas I know the one I am interested in only through E-Mail, online chat and brief phone conversation.

The movie was very funny, as the story line set things up marvelously. It was as brilliant as it was obvious. Of course what started out as the improbable turned into reality and love saved the day. As a die-hard romantic, I loved the ending.

So where am I now? I'm trying to avoid being trapped in the past where the results are known to roll the dice on the future where I have an opportunity for something truly remarkable.

I have to pinch myself here, this guy is perfect, perhaps even too perfect to the point I find myself looking for the catch. I mean physically he is delicious. If I had choices to check off the specifications to order one from the factory, I can't complain about the way this one shapes up off the lot.

But there is more than physical beauty, there is also a certain level of sweetness required to make it work. He has surprised me here too by caring and showing some sensitivity and polite behavior.

Even through I am the die-hard romantic, I know it is still too early to send out the wedding invitations as there are lots of steps before that plateau. But if there are any blatant reasons to not go further I am not seeing them.

What happens next is certainly uncertain, as all we can do is to take things as they come. Most certainly we are going to have different ways of moving forward. I tend to be more willing to jump in and see, whereas being more cautious might be more prudent. Most certainly anything we do has to be something we are both comfortable with.

I really don't know what else I can say right now other than that I am scared. I'm scared of losing my chance with this one who is so perfect and I am scared about what will happen next. I've had more practice getting it wrong than I have had getting it right.

All I really want right now is to go to bed, wrap my arms and legs around him and fall asleep to awaken to a new day to find him gazing into my eyes. I would be so much wiser in the morning in knowing our hearts were together for the beginning of a new day, a day that may be a whole new beginning.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

TIRED OF THE GAYMES : It seems like almost everyone has some gayme, lie or bull shit and I am so tired of having to doubt everything that anyone tells me. There are a few people I trust to be honest, but it's so frustrating to have to take everything else with a grain of salt and to not be able to trust anyone. Society has thoroughly degraded to the point of near uselessness.

I do my best to help everyone and expect so little in return, just a bit of common courtesy, but instead I evoke bitterness and animosity by those who see me as a threat to their gaymes and misery.

The information super highway which should be a great place for those of us in a specialized minority has instead become a quagmire branch of Hades. So many of the good people I know are so fed up with it that they do not even try anymore, and yet it is the good people who need to unite and put down the gayme players and stand tall and be counted. It is the good people being visible who can encourage the other good people who have given up and those good people still in a closet who have never even tried to come on out and be seen. It's so sad that at a time when we need unity the most, we have never been so far apart.

There are a few moment, a thank you here and nice note there, and like tonight I had some success in sending someone a note on match.com on behalf of a friend and there was actually a reply. And the guy I wrote actually wrote back to thank me too. It was so nice for a change. All so frequently I wonder why some of these guys even list themselves as they either don't reply, or if they do reply they are assholes right away. I'm not saying they should ever be assholes, but I am saying is they seem to want to piss someone off long before they even give them a chance to get to know them. Pretty stupid if you ask me.

Oh well, my bitching never seems to make a difference. I just hope I either find a boi friend or die in my sleep before I stat to become bitter, miserable an selfish like so many seem to have become.

Right now I don't even want to see a picture of a cute guy as they all turn me off when I never seem to have any chance. I don't think I'm ugly, but looks are subjective, but I do know my character is impeccable, how many others can say that? Perhaps that's why the hate me, as it is easier to hate than it is to strive for self improvement.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

JUST IN CASE : I went to the doctor today and other than my blood sugar A1C being up a bit due to the changes in my diet and added stress, all is well. I asked the doctor for a sample of something and he game me some Cialis.

NEVER FUCKED ANYONE : I've never fucked anyone in my lifetime, not financially, not emotionally, not ethically, not even sexually. I doubt there are many men who can say that, particularly the never having fucked anyone sexually part.

But just in case I ever get the chance, at least I don't have to worry about nerves keeping me from performing. It's kind of hard for most of you to even begin to contemplate what feeling you would have because you've never fucked anyone before. Chances are it's something most guys have just done since their teens. Just like dating, most of you just take that for granted, as you've done it before, well I never have. Sure, I've had a date, but never dated anyone. Of course this millennium I haven't even had a date as I just cannot get one as no one I have been interested in wants to have a date with me.

I really don't say any of this for pity, just to try to help you, whomever you are, to put it into perspective. I'm sure I'm not the only guy who has never fucked anyone, but there are very few like me. I have to ask myself why I can't get an opportunity to change that. Oh sure, I am sure I could go on gay.com or AOL and pretend to be an experienced top and get somebody over here almost any night. But that somebody is not anyone I want to fuck and will likely not be sexually arousing to me. What I need is someone I desire to fuck (make love with) who will be loving, understanding and patient for me to practice.

So if you've kept an open mind, by now you might begin to understand the overwhelming fear I face everyday, not wanting to be alone when I lose my Father, not sure anyone could ever even want to try to love me, not even sure I could date someone at all. It's a tough thing to face when you've done nothing wrong, try your best to always do the right thing and yet never even get a chance.

I'm not jealous of anyone for what they have discovered, in fact I wish for everyone to find true love in their lives. So even though I would never take from someone else's basket, I still have to wonder why I never even get an opportunity.

There is a guy I've been chatting with lately that I do desire very much, at times he seems like he may also desire me, but there is more to this than meets the eye and I am not sure anything will ever mature here. He seems very sweet, yet his situation seems to be complex and complicated and he is not letting me in. From the outside he could easily be EVERYTHING I desire in a guy, but of course you never know someone until you meet, and at the moment that does not seem likely.

I need someone with something already established in their lives, such as a job, understanding and acceptance of responsibility and some core interests. I also am not interested in a stoner, drunk or druggie, which seems to eliminate a majority of longhaired guys. Occasional 420 would be okay, but not daily brain depreciated users.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

EL ZIPPO : As it has always been, as it always will be. About once every year or two I get a lead that makes me think there may be some hope of love in my life. The last time was at the end of 1994 and lead to two non-dates in Los Angeles. I say non-dates as I consider a date when both people agree they have a potential romantic interest in one another. My last 'non-date' specifically told me that we never had a 'date', so the closest thing I had to a date was back in 1999. But at least I met my non-date, this time it does not appear to be the case. Maybe he has questions of his sexuality or that was just a convenient excuse, but no matter I seem to be getting less this year than I did a year and a half ago. What the heck would I have done if we had met and he turned out to be interested.. YEAH RIGHT... HA HA HA We all know that I am not the type of person any of these longhairs I find attractive are interested in. What could I offer anyone anyway? I mean I have no debt, I have money in the bank, I have a job, hell, I even own a business, oh wait, I'm an employer, oh here's a reason, I have an IQ of around 200, oh here's a good reason, I'm extremely honest, I'm caring, I do lots of things for lots of people I don't even know and sure I'll never meet, I'm an engineer, a creative soul and just a fucking nice guy. But none of these things give me any merit to anyone in the Gay world. No wonder I have not had a date since 1999 since I am what I am and a hopeless romantic too. What could I possibly offer anyone?

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

THE UNKNOWN : I expressed my concerns to the guy I've been enamoured by and got a reply that he was sorry that he has been so busy. He said he'd like to chat more, as well as hear my voice too. (I had mentioned I'd like to hear his voice)

I made him up a couple little graphic things, but he has not commented on them. All I can do is to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he is sincere and I'll hear from him soon, wanting to chat or better still speak on the phone.

It would be a great birthday present (8th) to have some concrete feeling that he was interested in more than just some casual chat. Hot steamy sex would make for a nice birthday, methinks!

It probably goes without saying that I'd certainly welcome a break in my continual bad luck with men.

I did figure out why a few guys I had contacted fell off the RADAR. Two I believe are fakes, using someone else's picture, and the other is someone that may have been hurt by a friend of mine and he recognized I knew this person from my site. I had no idea he was someone my friend had fooled around with until today.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

I HATE TO SAY THIS : Unfortunately I fear I am being played for the fool. The pathetic romantic fool that so deeply wants some romance. I think he's just dangling enough at me to keep me on the hook and then not following through to tear me apart.

If there is one thing I hold sacred it's a person's word. I feel if someone says something they had better damned well do it. I treat people with respect and sadly to say in most cases I treat them far better than they treat me.

I encountered him today while I was on the phone with my Father. I messaged him and asked if we could chat in a bit when I got off the phone. Now he could have said, no that he was busy, but he said sure, in about 30 minutes that he had some things to take care of. So an hour later he apologizes and said he was still tied up that things were taking longer than he planned. Okay, now this can happen, so fine. He says he will be done in a few moments. Well in a few moments he goes offline and has yet to show up again 4 hours later.

It is unconscionable to me to know someone is waiting for you and to just disappear without saying something. The biggest piece of shit on the planet deserves more respect than that.

Now of course you could say that his computer died, his house caught on fire or he got called into work, but how many times does the unexpected allow for a believable excuse?

Here are my theories at the moment:

1. He is not who he claims to be and in fact someone who feels I was not paying him enough attention and this is payback in his sick mind.
2. He is who he claims to be but is fucked up in the head and wants to play cruel games just because it makes him feel good.
3. Maybe he is who he claims to be and my back luck is just keeping me from feeling comfortable with the idea I could have a chance with anyone I am attracted to. Maybe he really is busy or is having bad luck of his own.

When it boils down to it I just do not know. It could be any of those things or a host of other legitimate or illegitimate reasons. I cannot look into his world and see what the true story is. I'm not prone to paranoia, but there are enough little things to cause me to be cautious. After all I am the real deal, a truly great catch, so that makes certain people jealous.

Low self esteem causes people to do some pretty sad things. I don't have anyone but wish everyone else the very best of luck in finding what I have been trying to find since the end of 1996. Others are not that considerate and feel that if they don't have something, no one else should have it either.

I really hate to think this has been some sick and cruel game to fuck with my heart as I so much wanted to take him at face value. If this is a game it was well perpetrated.

For the moment though I have no choice but to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'll let him hang himself over time or prove himself worthy of my attraction and possibly my true and sincere love.

I could say that I deserve a break, but the fact is we all deserve a break. We all deserve love. Think of how much better the world would be if everyone had someone who sincerely loved them.

I still hope this works and my concerns are manifestations of years of failure after failure with no successes to balance things out.

The most impressive thing that could happen right now is for him to call me on the phone. I gave him my number before, if he is worthy, calling would be a most encouraging sign. Of course I have never had an encouraging sign from any faggot that I was attracted to, so I am certainly not going to hold my breath. Of course this would also be a means to get the knife deeper so the next time he twists it, it will hurt all that much more.

One thing is for certain, if I ever have a boi friend who attracts me as much as his pictures do, and if we can get past the sexual baggage I carry due to the limitations that I have had placed on my by almost everyone I have ever been with, our sex life would be nothing short of stellar.

IN OTHER NEWS : I hope that the Pope is now at peace. Even though I do not agree with some of what he stood for, I respect the man for standing by what he believed in. You don't have to agree with someone to respect them.

BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES IN LIFE, LUST & LOVE TO ALL !!

KINDA BLAH : Friday just didn't do much for me. In one regard it was great as I went to probation from my DUI and was told I would be released early for good behavior and should receive official notification in a couple weeks. I set a new record for my probation officer as far as taking care of my obligations responsibly and promptly.

In other events I had a heckova time taking care of my battery issue. The engineers who designed the mechanical aspect of the battery in my Corvette didn't think things through too clearly. The whole thing is a nightmare to remove and install. So I spent a good bit of the afternoon after my probation meeting fucken with my battery which required removal of a body panel of the car itself. Of course the warranty on the Die Hard is a joke too, I don't think Sears is quite up to what they used to be.

I had wanted to get an adapter to hook my manifold gauge set up to my R134A system in the car to check the Freon pressure, but Sears did not even have that in their auto center. I think I have seen these at Wal-Mart. Wake up Sears !

I didn't get any food yesterday until about 2 AM Saturday and that was a delicious bowel of broccoli cheese soup I made. I was going to have pizza, but by the time I got around to it, I didn't feel like taking the time to do it right, so I did something easier.

The only other highlight of the past 24 hours was a new picture and a few short words from the guy I've been chatting with romantically. I had hoped we'd get a chance to chat further or would get a longer E-Mail with more about him in it. I hate to play 20 questions in times like these, so usually it is better in my opinion to talk about something and see where it goes and hope he does the same.

Don't misunderstand, it was GREAT to hear from him, it's just I was looking for something more to help drive away the negatives of the past week with some tangible optimism for the future possibilities. Unfortunately with my past luck, or more aptly described as my past lack of luck, I always have the feeling I am standing on a banana peel... not sure I am going to make it to the next step without falling on my ass or not... Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

So who knows, all I can do is to do my best and hope for the best and hope my past bad luck takes a break long enough to get a date or at least for us to go far enough in getting to know one another that we realize it could work out or not. This is the best luck I have had in well over a year and he is by far one of the most attractive guys ever that has dating potential.

Anyone reading that last statement, please do not be insulted or offended. I love and value my friends too, but without that insatiable desire to throw each other to the floor and fuck each others brains out, we should enjoy our friendship and let that lead us into the future.

Friends are golden, I can always jerk off to satisfy some of my sexual needs, but talking to myself will never make up for a lack of good friends.

SWEET LONGHAIRED DREAMS !!

IT STARTED OFF BADLY : Yesterday did not start out to be a good day as I was going to leave my car would not start due to a dead battery. My Father came by to give me a jump and I got to work. My Father had to leave early so I had my car on charge. The other guy who works in the office had a dental emergency and had to leave so I was alone in the office. When I went to leave our booster was not able to provide enough of a boost to get me started so I took a taxi home as I was supposed to be home to chat with a gorgeous guy by 6:30 PM. He got tied up and was not online so I took a nap. Later after I got up and he came online, we had a wonderful and spirited chat. (evil grin) Things seemed to go very well from my perspective so I am hoping he felt the same.

So what started out bad, turned out very good in my book. I'd sure love to find out if he tastes as sweet as I feel he is. (very evil grin) Did I mention this guy is a real babe? Major YUMMAGE!

SWEET LONGHAIRED DREAMS !!

WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART : Of course once you say something to someone who has some deep meaning to you, waiting for the reply can be very difficult. It's so easy to assume the worst when we are anxious, and when you add in my past bad luck with men, then it is magnified even that much more.

I don't fall for but a few guys, so when I do have a serious interest in someone, the stakes are high. So please send me some good karma, say a prayer or wish me luck, I need your help. I'd love for us to fall asleep with our arms and legs wrapped around one another after a steamy session of unbridled sex, but before we can get to that point, we first need to get to know one another. At present I do not know what his livelihood is, so I cannot even guess what he might be doing right now, if he is thinking about me or what I said or even if he has likely read my message. All I know for sure is that it has been about 28 hours since I have heard anything from him. All I can do is to wait and hope he is having a nice day. He might even be getting laid, I really have no idea, I just hope he is happy, safe and well.

SWEET LONGHAIRED DREAMS !!

SPELLED IT OUT : I guess I just have to feel like I have made myself clear. I just don't like assumptions or doubts. When you get to the point of wondering what he thinks that you meant to think about what he thought, well there's no doubt that's confusing, but just about everything else is totally unknown.

So I wrote him a little note, I think it was complimentary to him, optimistic and also said I wanted him to not feel any pressure any anything I say, but that I DO want him to tell me if he is uncomfortable about or does not like anything I say. I also say that I have no idea where we are going and I am interested in all possible options.

I don't believe my message was too much, but in saying there is no pressure, one has to wonder if that makes pressure. It's not like I'm expecting commitment other than a commitment to tell me if he does not like something.

We shall see what he does now. Of course I am hoping there will be more between us, lots more actually. But for the moment all I can do is to wait.

BLAH : I'm not feeling so hot tonight, maybe it's my wondering if I blew my chance or not or maybe just a bug, but I'm just kinda uncomfortable and have a minor headache. I think I'll get to bed earlier tonight than I have been lately, I think I need the sleep. I will dream of holding someone very special in my arms as I go to sleep. Oh how I wish, I REALLY wish, he was imagining he was holding me too. Nothing like that has ever happened to me though, it has just become nearly impossible to hope for.

PROGRESS : I've been working on picking up additional skills in Photoshop and GoLive. Amazing how you can use a program for so many years and miss a lot of what it can also do.

SWEET LONGHAIRED DREAMS !!

THE PROBLEM WITH OPTIMISM : The problem with optimism is that it scare people away. The problem with optimism is that it leads to disappointment.

I had allowed myself to get hooked again. A guy, a most beautiful guy, in fact I'd easily rank him as among the most attractive seemingly shows an interest. So I allow my self to believe, I allow myself to dream. I probably read more into what he write than he intends. He offers up the idea of chatting tonight, and of course to me that is great news. Yet in the way he wrote the message there seemed to be some doubt on his part. But I dismissed that as it was not what I wanted to see. So tonight do we chat, no, of course not. He does send a message saying he had to do some work and that is of course a possibility, but unfortunately it just seems all too indicative of all of my past experiences with men. So I've closed all the windows I had open with pictures of him. Every time I have ever had a picture of a guy on my computer for more than a day or two he runs away yelling and screaming into the night. Of course he did not know I had his picture on my computer. But I did give him my phone number just in case my ISP screwed up again tonight like it has been over the past few days and both work and home. And of course giving him my phone number likely scared him off, making me seem too anxious. So having to work is the perfect excuse, it avoids the chat and with no chat there will be no further discussion on the phone number.

We'll see what else I hear from him, I hope I do, I REALLY do as I though I could fall in love with him, or at least the him that I allowed myself to see. But unfortunately with my luck with men, he will likely fade off into the night just like any of the others I have been interested in.

BEST WISHES FOR LIFE AND LOVE !!

DARE NOT SAY : I daresent say a word, but he wrote back, and it feels so wonderful. He said some very sweet things, one of them being "I would love to get to know you better and be friends with you as you seem to be a great person. " And I certainly do not want to jinx anything, as I would be truly honored for him to become a new close friend, though I confess is one of the most attractive guys I have ever encountered and I hope there can be something more. But of course there is nothing wrong with friendship either, but I would love to give him great intimate pleasure.

Okay, so I am full of sweet day dreams now, something so welcome, something I so feared I'd never know again. I want to write him a romantic poem, but I fear it is too soon for that. Please keep sending good karma this way. Even if I am only making love with him in my dreams, at least for the moment I have a sweet angel to dream of, and this one seems to truly very sweet to.

GUYS I FIND ATTRACTIVE : I don't know why I have such bad luck. Physical appearance is subjective, I like the way I look, but who knows what anyone I like thinks. As far as character and capability goes, that is not subjective and I'll put myself up against anyone. So I consider myself to be quite the catch. What puzzles me is why is it that when I write some guy expressing an interest in getting to know them better with the option of other possibilities open, why it is that they just almost NEVER write back? I had a guy I wrote about a month or so ago that of course I never heard from again.

I wrote another exceedingly beautiful guy today that from all I have seen from him, he is just so sweet and sensitive. If anyone else but me reads this thing, which I don't really try to get anyone to do so, it's just there is you want to kinda thing, please send some good karma. It's impossible to judge people you don't know, even harder to weigh partial evidence and put one above or below the other, particularly when you have found them to be stimulating to you, but this guy today I have some feeling about that I am unable to classify that makes me feel he might be different... different for the better, that is.

I need some hope in my life, I ponder how I can have so much to offer and yet be treated like I am a piece of shit by so many. All it takes to bring the worst out of an attractive guy is for me to take an interest in him. They go from beautiful to disappeared in sixty words or less from me. It must be that snot on my nose or something, or maybe I really am hideously ugly and I'm just he last one to know it. I always figured if they thought I was in the least bit attractive they would at least reply and say thanks, but no thanks.

Let's hope this guy is different than the guy I liked and met in Los Angeles last January who freaked out when I called our meeting a 'date'. Heaven forbid a date with me huh? He was gorgeous, but I guess the thought of seeing me a third time just freaked him out totally, even though he asked several times when I saw him last for five hours together about my return. I guess it was too much for me to ask IF we were going to hang out so I could plan my trip as he got evasive and when time passed by, I pressed for an answer and he snapped.

I own my own business of which I am capable of understanding and doing everything myself, I always do my best to do the right thing in any situation, I give freely of my time for our community and yet I find myself dumped on and treated like shit continually. Either everyone I like really is an asshole or I am so hideously ugly that I don't deserve any respect whatsoever. I really don't like to consider either as being possible, but so far those are the only two possibilities I can come up with.

If anyone can help, I'd appreciate some good karma. I never ask for anything for myself, but I am making an exception now. This guy is beautiful and seems like he has potential, I just want a break so I can find out more about him and at least we get to interact some before I am discarded out of hand.

HAPPY EASTER AND BEST LONGHAIRED WISHES TO ALL !!

MORE BAD NEWS : I guess the bad news was not over yet. I was arrested for DUI. Certainly not one of my finer achievements in life. I'm afraid the hardest part is not yet over, with the revocation, the 30+ days in which I won't be able to drive at all and the remainder of the 180 days in which I hopefully will be able to drive for business purposes.

TEARS: I watch the final episodes of Babylon 5, I cried for the touching scenes and I cried from missing my Mother. And then there are those poor people who are suffering from the tsunami.

BAD CHOICE : Eight years ago right after getting my Private Pilots Certificate, I asked myself 'What next", and my answer was to pursue my sexuality and to find a lover. That decision was the biggest mistake of my life. Eight years later, I would much prefer to still be a virgin than to have endure the pain from loneliness and utter hopelessness that I endure each day. Any glimmer of hope is always quickly ripped away from me, just deepening the scars that never heal.

If there is anything good from all of the pain it is in the few decent people I have met and in those I have been able to be some form of positive influence . But purely from a perspective of 'me', my life since that decision has been nothing bout a painful nightmare with one disappointment after another and another.

Why no one desires me is beyond my comprehension, I do have so much to offer, yet it is apparently not what anyone wants. This is reality, this is my reality and that is all there is to it.

I was so much better off as a virgin, jerking off to a picture of a cute longhair in a music magazine, at least then I could dream and I could believe in my dreams, today I am dead inside, incapable of believing in anything other than my abilities in life and certainly not in the potential of ever knowing love.

MOOD : I got laid on the 8th, which was over three years since the last time. It's a friend with benefits kind of thing, but it reminded me of what I seek and gave me some encouragement to go out to find it.

I joined gay.com as a paid member for a year and decided I'd look to see what I might find. I was initially encouraged as I found a few guys I was very impressed with, both from someone I found very attractive in several ways to be a potential LTR as well as one guy I found to be sexy with a sexy butt who was looking for a top/master. I wrote them and heard back from three of them and they all seemed like they wanted to pursue something.

I was encouraged, very encouraged! Even if none of these guys worked out for a relationship or sex, I still stood a good chance of making a new friend or two. But the excitement soon faded to reality. One was saying how great a catch I was, was wondering when I'd be online next and of course has not been seen or heard from since.

The guy looking for the master has not been heard from since, so what kind of slave boi would he make when he can't stay in touch?

The other guy turned out to have a BF but thought they would both enjoy making a new longhaired friend has also seemingly disappeared.

Maybe I expect too much since I am a computer professional, computers are an integral part of my daily existence, maybe these guys go a week without logging on or checking their E-Mail, I guess I can't say. But for the moment I am feeling less hopeful than I was before I got laid, at least then I could have a fantasy most of the time and jerk off to find some relief, now it seems as impossible as ever, just with a few less potentials ruled out. I really wish they would just say 'go to hell Steve' instead of making idle innuendos and then ignoring me.

The sad part is that I'm afraid that a certain percentage of these guys delight in knowing they are hurting someone else. As they say, misery loves company, but that's not my philosophy, as I am happy for people that find love. Unfortunately most do not share my ability to wish for the best for all.

It's the same old story over and over again, I find someone, I am nice to them, they seem interested, they pretend to be nice but are just using me to pass time and to amuse themselves with my attention then they just disappear.

I'm tired of feeling undesirable when no one else I have ever met can do all the things that I can do, when most I encounter do not have half of my character or integrity. I feel that I am attractive, but that of course is subjective, maybe most feel I am ugly, it is possible, but still no reason to excuse rude, immature or deceitful behavior. I should have guys after me left and right and instead all I find are flakes, assholes and losers with no self-respect. It is not fair and it is even less fair that this has been going on with no success since the end of 1996.

OXYMORON : I've come to the conclusion that the word 'gay' is an oxymoron. The term 'Military Intelligence' is one example of what some would say is a contradiction. If you consider 'gay' to have two definitions, one being 'homosexual' and the other older definition meaning 'happy', I contend that the one word in its two meaning is in itself an oxymoron.

Now please keep in mind that any gripe, compliment or opinion I offer is by no means an absolute. I know some great gay people out there, so please don't read anything into what I am about to offer that isn't intended. But I feel what I say has some importance as if we all think about it and work to make even the slightest improvement, gay life could be a whole lot better than it is.

Also keep in mind that no one, including yours truly is perfect. Though we should never give up trying just because it is an impossible goal.

I feel one of the biggest problems is due to the lack of self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem so common in the gay world. If we were looking for the easy blame we could say that society has treated us as a disease and we therefore can not over come that. But that is honestly a cop out as is the trend with so many things today, we look for a convenient source to lay the blame without having to look in the mirror.

As a whole we tend to treat each other like shit. That's really sad as the old saying, 'what goes around, comes around" is indeed very true. I guess that's why I chose to live my life by the philosophy of treating others the way I myself would like to be treated. Of course here again no one is perfect and at times we get ourselves trapped or over extended, but that does not excuse us from trying.

Another major flaw in the human beast is selfishness and greed. People today have tended to forget that life, love and relationships of all types require a certain amount of give and take. This applies to all people, not just gays, but gays seem to use selfishness to overcompensate for their low self-esteem.

Gays seem to want what they want when they want it, yet are intimidated by anyone better than themselves. I enjoy a challenge and constantly look for ways to improve myself, yet too many today take it as a threat and either retreat or attempt to destroy it.

Jealousy is a very stupid and petty emotion that never accomplishes anything, but it is one that easily stems from low self-esteem. Rather than looking for a way to improve yourself, you blame the other person for having something you desire but see as unattainable yourself.

It's a shame that in a world with such improved resources for communicating and sharing information and wisdom, we instead end up brutalizing each other. If only we would expend half the energy that we use to destroy or tear each other apart towards something of mutual benefit, we would all enjoy life that much more.

I still believe, perhaps foolishly, that one can find true love in the gay world.  The problem is that everyone has known so much more defeat than we have known success, and after a while that takes away our ability to dream and fuels the low self-esteem.

We each must do our part to improve things, and if we try we CAN make a difference for the better.

I ask each out you to look within yourself and find the courage to treat others not like you have been treated, but instead in a manner like you would like to be treated.

I also would like each of you to consider your words and do your best to avoid saying things you do not mean. Yes, I realize this eliminates a career for you in politics, yet it is an important step towards greater self-respect.

And my final suggestion is the simplest of all, try to share a smile and some common courtesy with those you encounter in your daily life. Remember that if what goes around comes around, wouldn't you rather what's going around be something you'd like to enjoy yourself?

WE ALL CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF WE TRY! IT'S EASY AND IT STARTS WITH YOU!!

NOT SURE : I was feeling very optimistic earlier in the week, but at the moment I'm not sure. Perhaps it's a moment of silence before the flood of possibilities, or perhaps it was just like everything else in the world today, a mere illusion.

One thing that I know for sure is that it sucks to not have any close friends I can speak to on the phone. I call them, they NEVER answer, I leave a voice mail and they NEVER call back unless THEY want something for themselves.  I have friends that will call back, but they are not the ones I can discuss my inner most feelings with. So many times I've wanted to leave a message and tell them to go to hell, but I never do, I care about them, even if they treat me like a piece of crap. It's not fair, live never is.

I can do anything in life as long as it does not involve people. I hear form some friends about some serious shit with their partners or ex-partners and wonder what the fuck my problem is that I want to get involved in that crap.  People suck, and not in a good way, and few suck anything well. I really pity women, most of them are so far superior to most men as far as being nice goes.

I wish I were straight, but I am what I am. I'm not ashamed of what I am, I am a GREAT person regardless of my sexuality, so why does no one else see this?. Sometimes I even wonder if I am even from this planet? ET, I want to phone home, send a taxi to get me, PLEASE !!!

FLAKE TO NORMAL RATIO : I have been wondering why I just don't seem to meet any real people anymore. In the old days I'd be online and start a LonghairM4M chat-room on AOL and have 10 to 20 people chatting an hour later, today I'd be lucky if one person passes through the room.

There were always flakes, but they were the minority of people you'd encounter.. The would be one or two flakes for each ten people you'd meet. Today you are lucky to meet one real person out of ten. It's no wonder that most of my real friends are ones I've known since the late 90's. With just a couple exceptions, I have no lasting gay friends that I have met this millennium.

What has happened to the world this millennium to cause there to be so many more flakes? Are there really more flakes or are the good people all in hiding? Maybe my female friends are right, maybe I am so much better of without the jerks I've written who don't even give me the common courtesy of a reply.

NO MATTER HOW I TRY : I lay in bed holding my pillows trying to get the soothing feeling of the illusion of holding a man I was attracted to in my arms. No matter how hard I try, thinking for a moment of Jeff Farr, Gary Martin, Tonino, a number of nameless cuties I have captured on Venice Beach, even some of the very few cute guys there are in my favorites on match.com and NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I simply cannot believe in ever holding anyone I desire in my arms.

It seems so impossible when you have had personal ads on Yahoo, Match.com, American Singles and countless other places to NEVER having had one serious reply, NOT ONE EVER! It adds further insult to injury when I consider all the guys I wrote and how only a few have ever written back and again, most of those that did reply it turned out to be out of some mean-spirited desire to fuck with me rather than to even be my friend.

I own my own business, I have no debt, I have the ability to do more things than anyone else I know. I am very honest and sincere. I am loyal and trust worthy. So I do no see there being any character faults that are scaring anyone away, so the only possibility is that I am not at all attractive to the guys I seek.

So it is easier for me to imagine I am on a starship defending the innocent from the overly aggressive than it is to imagine ever being intimate with anyone in any way.

I'm tired of it all, I'm tired of being alone, isolated and ignored. I am a good person, and I dare anyone to prove otherwise. So why can I not even meet someone for a date? Of course I have to get them to write first, don't I?

I SHOULD POINT OUT : I really do think that the majority of people are good, but for some reason I seem to find myself attracted to those who not meant for me for whatever reason.

BUT WHATEVER: I do my work and what else needs to be done. I post pictures of naked guys for everyone to enjoy even though seeing these pictures at times makes me feel more empty inside.

I see abundant hope for others, and work towards encouraging that as that is someplace I can make a difference. It's enjoyable to make introductions or otherwise bring people together and the more people I meet the better the chances of me making the 'right' introductions.

AS FOR ME: It really doesn't matter. I'm not really depressed, I just don't give a damn anymore. I haven't written anyone new in the last month as I have not been in the mood. In my case I know I am either going to be ignored or I will get a reply that's some guy's sick attempt at a cruel game. I never get a reply that says let's get to know each other and meet, not even let's chat on the phone.

It's funny how I can speak to a former bureaucrat for a past president of the US on the phone for hours about aviation, politics, travel, photography and a host of other subjects, yet I cannot find one presently unknown longhair that even wants to say hi.

What other conclusion am I to reach other than I am undesirable to those I desire? It's not like I am ugly and they are so beautiful, but that is subjective in nature, maybe they really do think I am ugly. I know it's not that my character is lacking or that I have nothing to offer anyone. I do my best to always do my best.

Perhaps it all boils down to luck. Some of my friends say these guys are unworthy of me and I am better off without them. So maybe what looks like bad luck really has been good luck in the grand scheme of things. I am not going to freely just accept that as I do not like to put myself above others. Maybe I just have no good luck when it comes to men.

I really do not know the answer when it comes to myself, but I do know that this whole thing has removed almost all desire from me. I have gone this whole week with no desire to jerk off, no arousal, no nothing. I got in some porn videos with Kevin Cool in them this past Monday and I have not once had the slightest desire to even look at them.

TODAY: It's after 10 PM here on Thanksgiving day, I've spent the whole day alone, I spoke to my Father, Randy and Jordan on the phone, each call was brief. I have not eaten anything, and I am not at all hungry. I was tired yesterday and Jess wanted to chat on the phone, so I stayed up late chatting with him until 6 AM. I've spent most of the time between 6 AM and now in bed hugging my pillows trying to get some rest. For a moment I imagined they were Gary Martin, but once again no arousal. Let's face it, that part of me is dead and should stay that way.

Other than what I can do to help others I so regret ever exploring my sexuality. Life was more hopeful when I would jerk off to a picture of some longhair and imagine it could someday happen. Today I have never had any longhair ever write me from a personal ad, I am 3 years past my last sexual encounter, over 5 years since my last real date, and almost 8 years since I decided I should pursue my sexuality.

I think I'm going to go grab a quick shower and go into the office and play with my dyes and dye some small towels with my good dye. It would be nice to have some burgundy towels that actually stay burgundy.

BEST WISHES TO ALL

SO TIRED OF IT ALL : I have had more than enough. Friends who never return my call and almost never call unless they need something. Guy I write who are just such fucking pathetic excuses for humans they just ignore me like there is something wrong with me. I'm sick and tired of it. I am so much better than that and do not deserve to be treated that way. The world is full of liars, cheats, selfish morons who are incapable of doing anything productive, then there's me... I go out of my way to try to do good, I am tolerant and understand, intelligent, helpful and supportive and all I expect in return is the courtesy of a reply when I write someone. I don't expect them to think I am beautiful, I just expect the slightest bit of fucking courtesy to say "Thanks, but no thanks" or even "Fuck off you're a fucking pathetic ugly old man!", would be more polite than to just ignore me. I hope all of these losers get someone they care about who will treat them how they treat others, then maybe the dumb fucks will get a clue and learn to be nice instead of fucking pathetic excuse for sacks of worthless shit!

LOT OF STUFF : It has been a while, and sure, lots has gone on. The cute guy I mentioned has cute off his beautiful blond mane and now blends in so perfectly in the mundane world of Gaydom. It appears he is back with his boy friend. I wish them great happiness and success.

This year has been a constant struggle in almost all departments of my life. Things have improved at work, yet there is still a struggle to bring in the business that should be there. Our customers have been forced to spend extra funds on security and that has created a budget short-fall, particularly combined with reduced revenue from a slow and stagnant economy.

We may finally have a solution to our PVC issues, but the proof won't come until the next truck-load of resin runs properly.

After hurricane Frances we had lost power at the office and our old Motorola 68040 running System V/68 failed to restart. Fortunately I had previously started porting our business applications to a Sun Ultra SPARC system running Solaris 9.

I did not want to spend more money with Informix on C-ISAM, so I had ported and old version of D-ISAM I had over to Solaris. I had written the rest of the programs in C using the C-ISAM interface. These programs deal with order entry, shipping, invoicing and accounts receivable.

All of the forms are generated by PostScript output from my applications.

I still have a few minor functions which have not be ported and a few that need to be re-written due to the lack of the IQ report writer application.

I also need to interface our phone system to the Sun as well as power the logging monitor I wrote.

In a small business there are many things always needing attention, one has to juggle the hottest irons and take care of as many problems themselves. So many people today are just used to calling someone when an issue comes up, yet in older to survive today, one must be able to solve as many things themselves and be as self-sufficient as possible.

Lately we've had issues with our 150 and 300 ton injection molders. The old GE PM 2000 controllers can be cantankerous at best. Of course no one supports these old controllers and at some point they will need to be replaced like we had previously done with our 700 ton machine.

Trouble shooting these old controllers can be a bag of worms. Even through most of the chips are standard TTL, GE never released and schematics. There are also some chips which are obsolete. In fact none of my old E-PROM programmers are old enough to handle the old E-PROMS this machine used for ladder diagram and program storage.

On a personal level a number of people I considered friends have flaked out on me this year. All of them in Los Angeles. I know a certain malicious pathological liar in Europe had something to do with things in one case.

In other cases I have learned that I am just supposed to blindly accept anything anyone else throws at me, regardless if founded or not and never say anything that could even be remotely perceived as negative, critical or concerned.